"Support" Group

I felt like Billy Madison after his first day of fourth grade ("I'm never going back to school... never!")... for serious. 

"Support Group -- For Young Survivors".  In theory, this sounds great.  A bunch of other young women dealing with similar issues... you can share your feelings and have people relate to you. 

In reality, it's a rotating door of new people and random nursing students (there to watch and learn from the young women with breast cancer) sitting around a conference room table in a cold room snacking on store bought cookies... a group that's been dealt a similarly unfortunate hand... but ultimately, a group of strangers.  How are you supposed to open up and make yourself any more vulnerable in a group like this?  Why would I share anything with this group that I wouldn't share with my friends?

I suppose they can nod their heads and agree with how much it stinks to have cancer rip away the control you thought you had on your life, but I'm not sure how that helps.  Despite my doubts, I decided to try a few meetings.  I don't think I will go back.  I know I won't.

There were a few women there who seemed like women I might be able to connect with... I was expecting to feel a camaraderie towards these women... a shared struggle... but for the most part, I just found myself annoyed. 

There were the women a year or two out who "just wanted to give back to those newly diagnosed"  --> and I was annoyed because "who were they to be sitting there so smug, giving back to me... I had been fighting this battle longer than any of them"   (of course, I didn't say this... I just smiled and nodded)

There was the repetition of "I was stage I... I was stage II... thank goodness I caught it early before it was stage IV..."  (I bit my tongue)

There was the woman 3 years out who is expecting a baby any day --> I should have been excited for her... but instead, I could feel my blood pressure rise as she casually commented "lucky for me I was er- so I could have a baby after my cancer"... and... "I'm not looking forward to the sleep deprivation"

And then... there was the conversation that devolved into how hard it is to be a mom and complaining about the challenges of motherhood.  Not motherhood+cancer... just motherhood (terrible twos, back to school, playdate drama, etc).  I felt like I had teleported from a "young women's breast cancer support group" to a "mommy's support group"... not that I am in any way questioning how hard it is to be a mom.  I know it is a tiring and difficult job and it would have been fine if it had been a passing commentary.  But we just stayed there, talking about their kids, for what felt like forever. Until I couldn't breathe.  Until all I could do was to stand up and excuse myself in the middle of somebody's story and book it to my car... and sit there, and sob and think about how much I wished I had those "problems".

Is it just me... isn't the issue of fertility a particularly sensitive one for young women with breast cancer?!?  Maybe that was a fun conversation for the 60% of the room who was married with kids... but what about those of us who had not yet started our families?  Who are dealing with the fact that they may no longer have that option. Women for whom that decision has been made for them. What about the young woman next to me whose boyfriend broke up with her because he couldn't deal with her diagnosis?  Who is wondering how she will ever meet a partner... let alone start a family. 

A quick glance around the room and it was obvious to me that not everyone was engaged and, in fact, several people (myself included) were visibly uncomfortable.  But because we are strangers, nobody was comfortable enough (myself included) to say "can we please change the subject?"  Seriously.

I'm not sure what I was really expecting from the experience, but this was not it.