jealous irony

Oh the irony!   I was incredibly JEALOUS of the women who sat next to me at chemo today.  I mean, she has CANCER... and I was JEALOUS of her!  I can't stop laughing!

But seriously... I was.

As each nurse made her rounds through the room, she exclaimed.... "This is #8!!!  Only 4 to go!!!"   *cringe*

I remember those days.   The motivation of being able to "count down" my remaining chemo treatments... counting down to the day that this would be in my PAST.  That I would be looking forward to the rest of my life.  I no longer have a countdown.... only a count... (22 weeks done!)

Another irony though... I remember that day... the day of my "very last" chemo treatment in 2005... I cried.  I did not cry the day the doctor had told me I had cancer... nor did I cry on the day they tried to surgically remove the tumor from my breast.  But I cried as they disconnected the IV from my hand on my "very last Taxol" treatment.  I cried because the future was so uncertain and scary.  I cried because I no longer had the security blanket of the poison they were pumping through my body.  I just had to trust that I did all I could... and hope that it was enough to keep the dragon at bay.

I am jealous of the women who are counting down their treatments... anxiously awaiting the end of treatment so that they can put this whole miserable experience behind them...  I still trust that I did all that I could five years ago... and I still hope that each treatment I undergo forces the dragon back -- bit by bit.