it's almost like a normal Christmas...

Gosh -- it's so funny how quickly I swing back and forth between cancer-land and normal life. 

Cancer-land is this crazy place where cancer is front-and-center. 

• Every Wednesday I'm in cancer-land (obviously.... I'm at the oncologist, surrounded by magazines about cancer and other people with cancer... and they stick a needle in my chest and pump my body full of poisons... how could I not be in cancer-land?!) 
• Many Thursday's I'm in cancer-land (I wake up so stuffy and tired that it takes most of what I can muster to climb out of bed, into the shower and head out to work)

Most other days are pretty normal.  Over the past two weeks, I've:

• baked cookies (m&m, snickerdoodles and chocolate-drizzled sugar cookies -- Regan helped!)
• completed my shopping (and then some!)
• wrapped the gifts
• decorated the house
• finished off the Christmas cards
• cleaned out the junk drawer (ok - I know that has nothing to do with the holidays, but that's what I did today!)

Normal stuff, right?  Almost seems like a normal Christmas!  But even on my most normal days there are moments... when I drop into the reality of cancer-land:

• when random strangers come up to me at craft shows and in hotel lobbies and in stores... to tell me "they beat it two years ago... so can you" (little do they know that my cancer started FIVE years ago... and that there is no cure for my late stage cancer... that I'll be in treatment for the rest of my life!  What do I say?  These days, I try to harness my inner Christmas spirit and appreciate their caring and smile and nod... though sometimes I do slip and say something snarky, even though I know they only mean well)
• when I pull on one of my favorite sweaters and it's so tight on my right arm because it's still swollen from the stupid blood clot in my port
• when I can't figure out which scarf goes with my outfit
• when I have to retie my scarf for the 3rd time because I can't find a winter hat that fits over the scarf and the scarf alone is not warm enough outside... so I have to keep switching between the scarf and the winter hat (I'm starting to just wear my winter hat all the time!)
• when I walk through macy's or target and ultimately find myself in the children's clothing section and my heart breaks when I look at the adorable outfits, knowing that I'll only buy them as gifts for other people's babies
• or... when I take time to admire the beauty of the lights and trees, the sharpness of the cold air, the smiles and laughter of people as they walk down the street... and I feel blessed to have that moment... and I know that I must savor it.

I guess cancer-land isn't all bad... and I'm feeling fortunate that I feel so well most days... and that this Christmas is almost like a normal Christmas.