posted Monday, 5 June 2006
One year ago today, I was getting ready to head out to watch the "Pike Invite" ultimate tournament, when I noticed a lump in my left breast. It felt like a "Mike and Ike" under the skin - yet I kept thinking that perhaps it was my imagination. I got ready and headed out to the fields. As I drove, my hands kept wandering over to my breast... feeling one side... and then the other... comparing... prodding... I couldn't decide whether it was real or in my head... so I solicited the advice of my dear friend Susie. While not a medical expert, Susie was able to confirm that there was definitely something there that didn't feel right. Interesting. I didn't freak out. I didn't panic. I woke the next morning and called my ob/gyn and they made me an appointment for later that week. I debated whether to tell my mother. I knew she would be worried and since 80% of lumps in young women are "nothing"... why worry her over nothing. But I knew that she would be even more upset if I didn't tell her. Over the next few weeks, my breasts lost everything sacred. Over 20 strangers saw them... touched them... so did the majority of my girlfriends (though that probably wasn't that out of the ordinary!) They became clinical. In fact, I wanted all my girlfriends to touch my lump - to feel what it felt like - to educate themselves.
Life as I knew it was never going to be the same. That wasn't all bad, in fact, I can honestly say that I life took on a new and improved direction. Over the course of the next year, I would find out just what I was made of... and just how much support and love I had from those around me (if I would only slow down and let them).
Rolling up on the one year mark has really been in my head. So much is now in the past, but so much uncertainty lies in the future. I celebrate a victory... but recognize that there may be battles lying ahead. Sometimes I don't know whether to celebrate or to cry. I welcome you to both celebrate and cry with me. In fact, I invite you to. These anniversaries bring cancer once again to the fore-front of my mind... it weighs heavy. Once again, I will lean on my friends and family to get me through. Striking a balance between fear and ambivolance is a challenge. I figure, I will learn as I live.
My upcoming "cancer-versaries":
June 5 - found a lump in my left breast
June 9 - visit ob/gyn... ultrasound... mammogram
June 10 - visit breast surgeon... breast biopsy
June 20 - diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma (LET'S CELEBRATE AND CRY AS I MARK ONE YEAR AS A CANCER SURVIVOR)
June 21 - pre-admission testing, chest x-ray, bone scan, ct scan
June 23 - PET scan
June 28 - lumpectomy & lanxillary ymph node dissection
July 25 - re-excision lumpectomy
August 8 - chemo begins
November 16 - last chemo
December 12 - begin tamoxifen
December 30 - receive genetic testing results
January 4 - bilateral mastectomy
February 2 - left expander removed
...
...
January 2007? - latissimus dorsal flap reconstruction
MOM MADE THIS COMMENT,
June 20th is the date that stands out in my mind. That is the date that the doctor confirmed what we were hoping and praying wasn't true. In 2005 that was the worst day of our lives...but in 2006 it marks a year that you have survived and that is a very happy day! We will go on, one day at a time. You cannot waste precious time worrying about things you can't control...I say that to myself as much as to you. I love you and admire all the strength, wisdom, and courage you have shown this past year.
KATIE MADE THIS COMMENT,
Bravo Linda! I still remember your call and those very quiet first minutes you told me about your lump being cancer. I am grateful to be reading this today, I love you
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