"Cancer made me a shallower person"

posted Monday, 27 August 2007

This is an entry I wrote back in March and never published... thought I'd share it now for a laugh (and maybe a good cry)... LC

This is one of my favorite BC books that I've read over the past 2 years (and believe me, I've read a few!) I picked it up at Borders in Ithaca, while visiting Mike (he likes to go to go to the Borders Cafe to do work, and I sometimes tag along and read and drink a delicious Creme Brulee Latte).

Cancer Made me a Shallower Person, by Miriam Engelberg (Buy it on Amazon)

This book tells the story of Miriam, who was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 43. The humor is fairly dark, so if you prefer a story about fairies and daisies, this one's not for you... I, personally, found her hysterical.

Many of you have commented on how you are impressed that I have managed to maintain a sense of humor through all of this. Well, you ain't seen nothin'...

My intentions behind sharing this book with you were to share a laugh with you. Upon finding Miriam's website today, I found out that she passed away this past October, after a five year battle with breast cancer.

Even when you don't know the person, that news is always hard to hear. If the best part of breast cancer is the amazing, strong women you meet who are battling beside you.... the worst part of breast cancer is hearing the news that another beautiful woman has fallen. Why is it that some people do all the right things, yet are over-taken by this disease? How long will it be before we are able to end the pain and suffering caused by this beast? How many must fall?

It hits home that you never know which story your own will be --

• the one who battles once and never has to worry again
• the one who battles twice or thrice, and then never has to worry again
• or the one who battles her heart out and just doesn't make it

We all hope that we will be in that first group...

If not, then I guess, we'll deal with being in the second group, though it seems hard to imagine how we would be able to make it through all this again. I'm sure that when push comes to shove, it's the same as the first time... you're not really faced with much of a choice, so you put your head down and put one foot in front of the other...

My heart truly aches for the women who find themselves in the third group and I pray that I never find myself there. But I also know that if I do, I want to be able to look back, without regret and know that I lived a life that I am proud of... that I made dear friends along the way... that I knew what love was - both to love and to be loved... and that I made an impression, be it ever so small, on this world.

Comments:

1. Amanda left...

Monday, 15 October 2007 8:17 pm

LC - this post made reminded me of just how amazing a person you are. It's been so long since we've actually seen each other. And I'm pretty sure our struggles over the last two years have been very very different, but I'm so glad to count you as a friend... Keep on fighting, and head down this way to visit again sometime soon!!!

Quarterly Onc Update

posted Monday, 27 August 2007

As I mentioned, I had my quarterly appt with Dr Cairoli last Monday. I finally heard back from him Saturday morning as I was driving from the hotel in DC to our ultimate frisbee tournament. (Quick question: Is it weird that I recognize my oncologists voice on the phone???) Anyways, all of my blood results were normal. Good news. Waiting so long for results every time is a killer though!

I also finally remembered to ask Dr C what he thought about tofu. Not just whether he personally likes it - the texture, the flavor, etc - but whether he thinks that the phyto-estrogens in tofu are significant enough for someone with an estrogen receptive tumor (like me) to steer clear of tofu... as many of you know, I haven't eaten meat in the past year and a half, so it's tough enough to get my protein... if tofu is a no-no, it's even more challenging! Over the past year, I've read conflicting reports about tofu - it reduces the risk of cancer for most people, but the jury was still out for us er+ girls... He had good news on this subject as well: the studies have shown no correlation between tofu intake + rate of recurrence for er+ breast cancer. I don't think I'll start pouring processed soy protein into my breakfast smoothies just yet, but I won't feel guilty about having 3-4 servings of tofu a week!

Thank You + What Next?

posted Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Thanks for your emails and comments. I'm sorry that the site got taken down right after my last posting (as I mentioned, my subscription was up). I decided to renew it (didn't want to lose all the history that I have here), even though I am not blogging very often.

I guess my life has just gotten a lot less interesting -- which, honestly, is a good thing, right? I could blab on about my struggle to get back into shape for frisbee or tell you about the stomach flu that I had last weekend... but does anybody really want to hear about that? It doesn't sound terribly interesting to me.

I could tell you about how generally po'd I've been lately - angry about the time I lost - both at work and at frisbee.

I saw my colleagues make partner and I just know that if I hadn't had to take off a year's worth of time (and slow down a bit afterwards), I would be there with them (at least I hope I would have been). And while I have a pretty great excuse, it still stinks.

I am slow and out of shape - where I used to be a pretty good player, on a pretty awesome team... now I'm this slow old player who is really only on the team because people know where I've been. It was always hard enough to get in shape when things were normal... but now, I'm starting from nothing and my body is all sorts of messed up (muscles cut and moved and tight and stiff). It stinks.

But... who really wants to hear me complain???

I did just have my quarterly oncology check-up... everything seems ok, but I haven't gotten the blood test results back.

I just booked a super-sweet vacation: Chicago - Santa Barbara - Hawaii - San Diego... 2 weeks... but who really wants to hear me brag??? (Though I am super-excited!)

So then, what should I do with the blog? Any ideas? Anything you want to hear about? Is it better to write about stupid stuff that people probably don't care about... or not write anything at all? I'm not sure.

Comments:

1. Amanda left...

Wednesday, 22 August 2007 6:18 pm

Write about anything that's going on in your life! For those of us that don't have daily, weekly or even monthly contact with you, it's a good way of knowing what's going on in your life! :) Hope to see you soon, somewhere, sometime!

2. Mom left...

Wednesday, 22 August 2007 7:12 pm

Keep going. There is life after cancer and it is not as dull as you think. You are a terrific writer and I for one enjoy reading about what's going on with you...although I would much rather hear it in person!

3. Abby left...

Thursday, 23 August 2007 12:52 pm

I love all of it! Vacations, struggles....the whole nine yards.